The knife used to murder my wife is in an evidence locker down at police headquarters. It’s part of a set of Japanese throwing knives. I use them as steak knives.
The handles are hand-carved ivory, and the blades are engraved with Japanese writing. They are perfectly balanced and beyond razor sharp. My wife thought I spent way too much on them. It’s not like I ordered a fancy display case or anything. I keep them in the box they came in.
I immediately recognized the knife when shown a picture by the detective. I admitted I owned a set…
Master doing the same thing every day
By repeating the same routine every day, you will master it. You’ll become laser-focused on mediocrity. You’ll no longer want for things outside your realm. A trip to Europe? Nope, not in my routine. Move into a camper van and tour the United States. Are you kidding? I’m good here. I’m great here.
I’m accomplishing more and more of the same thing every day. Look at my Medium stories, ten cents every story. Now that’s a trend and a true commitment to mediocrity. …
Dear College Administration Person;
I’d like to request a refund for my degree. It’s never been used, and I finally paid it off. There’s nothing wrong with it, I just got the wrong one. I don’t want to exchange it. It’s too late for that. I just retired. Anyhow, I have this shiny, unused degree that somebody might make better use of.
It’s a liberal arts degree with a minor in art appreciation. The art appreciation minor has been used, and it’s slightly damaged after I threw it down the stairs at the Guggenheim. …
It’s official. The last joke has been written. Not a single funny concept remains. There’s nothing left to mock. The funny humor mill has run dry.
“I knew this time would come.” — Trevor Noah
Comedians and comedy writers all over the globe are forced to fall back on old material. Stephen Colbert welcomes reruns of his show. “Our old stuff is pretty good. This gives me more time to golf, and honestly, I’m getting too old to stay up late every night.”
“We still have music.” — James Corden
Trevor Noah says, “I knew this time would come. I…
Popular business jargon takes on different meanings once you make the paradigm shift into retirement.
The $64,000 question
Should we buy that camper van or put the money into a college fund for our grandchildren?
Where the rubber meets the road
Road trip. That question wasn’t so hard.
Manage the optics
We need reading glasses, distance glasses, interacting glasses, and computer glasses. Managing optics is essential to getting the most out of retirement.
We need to monetize this
We need to exchange dollars for the local currency.
I’m an agent of change
Here’s some for the parking meter.
The smell of the car’s trunk tugged at a distant memory, but I couldn’t place it. It was musty with a hint of aged wood. I knew the smell wasn’t what I should focus on, but it seemed important.
The bouncing of the car hurt my shoulder. I rolled onto my back, and something sharp poked my hip. At least the pain was somewhere new.
Now I remember that smell. I first encountered it at summer camp when I was fourteen. One night, I snuck off to the boathouse with a giggling girl, Betsy, or Becky. Becky, I think. We…
I followed some of Matt Lillywhite’s sage advice and started writing “how to” articles. I wrote about things I knew nothing about.
Matt Lillywhite taught me how to become an expert just by writing. I used that expertise to branch out. My most successful piece was “How to horticulture.”
Those are just the ones I remember. I wrote some with one hand while writing…
I’d like to address some comments and questions that were posted on my wedding video from the county courthouse.
How did you choose the groomsmen?
They were right there in the hallway when we entered. They were being transferred from the county jail to the Supermax facility.
Didn’t you worry about your safety or the safety of your bride?
That’s why we chose the courthouse. We didn’t want to risk infecting our family and friends with a big ceremony.
But why use dangerous criminals in the ceremony?
They weren’t really dangerous. They’d been vaccinated.
I mean, they committed violent crimes…
Contributor to Slackjaw, The Haven, The Junction, MuddyUm, and ILLUMINATION.