The challenge said your next car will start with the first letter of your first name. What is it?
I have questions.
A woman named Barb said Buick. I would have said Bentley. Wait, are we paying for the car ourselves, or is some benefactor buying it for us? That makes a HUGE difference.
If you’re named Karen, I guess you’re pretty much stuck with a K-car, right?
Who’s going to be able to buy a 4Runner? Maybe there’s a rapper named 40 Cent, but I still think sales will plummet.
Do I use my nickname, Ronnie, or my given…
My son and his wife bought me this newfangled insulated cup for my 65th birthday. There’s more technology in this cup than the moon landing required. Why do I need this?
The cup can keep my coffee warm for hours. I’ve already got a microwave for reheating coffee, and I don’t plan on drinking six-hour-old coffee anyhow.
The cup can keep my ice from melting and watering down my whiskey. That’s never been a problem in the past. By the time my ice melted, I was on my third whiskey. I could always get more ice. …
In the late 1500s, Latin names were in widespread use for all types of flora and fauna. These pesky Latin names were a hindrance to poetic prose. As the great bard Shakespeare said at the time, “A rosaceae by any other name would smell as sweet, but sound less shitty.”
Thus, the Royal Order of Nomenclature and Taxonomy was charged with the arduous task of creating English-sounding names to replace their Latin counterparts.
Unbeknownst to the Royal Order of Nomenclature and Taxonomy, their clerk and recorder suffered from dyslexia. The mistakes made when transcribing the names for final submission weren’t…
“Fetch that for me.”
“Get off the bed, I’m going to make it.”
“You can just wait for dinner.”
“Is that your nose print on the window?”
“Are you digging in the yard again?”
“Did you track mud into the house?”
“When you take a drink, try not to drip all over the floor.”
“Try to hold your shit together, I’ll be ready to go in a few minutes.”
“Are you asleep already?”
“Your hair is clogging the drain.”
“You act like you’re afraid of the vacuum cleaner.”
“Stop humping my leg.”
“I know you’re not a fan of cats…
“Hi! I looove animals sooo much. Getting paid to work with them is craaazy.”
“Yes, I’m currently in NYC, but I’m sick of rats and little yippy dogs. That’s why I applied for your position in Montana. Big sky, big animals. Am I right? I love big furry dogs. Cats are okay, if they follow directions. And if they don’t scratch. I guess I prefer declawed cats.”
“Inhumane? It’s inhumane that cats have claws. You know who they use claws on? Humans.”
“What do I think about horses? I’m not really into those fantasy movies.”
“You mean they’re real? Like…
The guests arrive, but before the party can begin, I must suffer through the obligatory ritual of complaining about the never-ending steps leading to my front door. I don’t know how my wife manages to escape it every time. I could learn a few things from her.
Helen and Elaine saunter toward me. Randy and George follow close on their heels, waiting their turns.
The ritual is about to begin. From the smirks on their faces, I know they’ve prepared quite the performance tonight. Lights down, curtains up.
Helen and Elaine lean on each other, looking exhausted. Helen holds up…
In lieu of increasing the minimum wage, the Biden Administration is proud to announce this new prosperity program for the American working class.
Badges in the MORBID program are awarded for missed opportunities and the associated lost earnings. Not only is the difference between the $15/hour proposed minimum wage compared to workers’ actual wages, but it also includes opportunities not offered to the workers. The lost future earnings of these missed opportunities can earn workers a significant amount of badges and recognition.
Addison ‘Ad’ Vantage, a senior VP at Peloton says, “Badges have been a cornerstone of our customer engagement…
Introducing The Toast Shoppe. Our specialty is toast and nothing but toast. Undistracted by complicated ingredients, we concentrate on getting your order toasted to absolute perfection. We offer all of our shades in all varieties of bread. Whether you prefer a light golden white or a double dark thick brioche, we guarantee our toast will meet your exacting standards.
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Catcher in the Rye
Sorry about the awkward introduction. It got your attention though, didn’t it. I know you haven’t given me much thought in the past, but I’m all you’ll be thinking about for the next several weeks.
Mind if I talk while you lie in the gutter staring at the legs of your fellow cyclists? You know what they say, when you fall off a horse, get right back on. In your case, wait eight to twelve weeks. You may want to start with a stationary bike after that. Allow me to tell you how this is all going to go.
Contributor to Slackjaw, The Haven, The Junction, Muddyum, and P.S. I Love You.